Fashion Etiquette.

How to avoid embarrassing yourself and offending others.

SALE: EVERYTHING MUST GO!

After waiting months for this day to finally arrive, you and the fellow contenders begin limbering up outside. Squatting, lunging, stretching, just waiting for the … doors to open?

This is no marathon. This is the first day of the January sales.

That black sequinned shrug you had your beady eye on in is half price. There is 20% off those high-waisted flowery shorts. They’ve even knocked a fiver off that red duffle coat.

You don’t want these things. You need them. And boy, will you go to great lengths to get them.

The doors open. You shove the fifteen-stone security guard out of the way with Hulk-esque strength. Hey mate, no one is getting in my way. I need that shrug!

You search the rails like Kerry Katona searching for a career. Elbows start flying at you from all directions. A poke in the back, a jab to the rib, a dig in the knee. Green steam begins to seep out of your ears. 

Lunging towards an assistant, who is cowering in the corner under a pile of cut-price hosiery, you yell for more sizes/different colours/some sanity.  

“Sorry madam that coat sold out in December. We’ve only got the shrug left in olive-green now. The shorts only come in a size four,” she squeaks back at you as Santa embroidered socks fly overhead.

You grab the olive-green shrug. It’s pretty much the same as the black one and I mean olive-green goes with everything right?

Size four is probably the size you should be buying anyway because your New Year’s resolution was to join the gym and never make eye contact with a bakewell tart ever again. Ahem.

You eye a pastel-blue duffel coat the other side of the store. It’s not in the sale but you’ve got your student discount which is pretty much the same as sale really when you think about it and pastel-blue will be so rad in spring, yeah?

You pay. You leave.

A month down the line the olive-green shrug is never worn, your ten-year-old niece is parading around like Lady Gaga in the high-waisted shorts and you’re snowed inside your house sitting on the sofa in your pastel-blue coat munching on a bakewell tart.

Until the summer sales ... Happy New Year. 

   

Written by Sarah Barns.

Fashion Etiquette.

How to avoid embarrassing yourself and offending others.

AVOID OFFENDING OLD PEOPLE AND TAKE YOUR HAT OFF INDOORS PLEASE.

Yes it’s snowing. Yes it’s raining. Yes it’s bloody cold. However you my friend are inside so there is no excuse for you to be wearing what can only be described as a toilet roll cover on your noggin’.

Do you really need to look like an extra from N-Dubz whilst sitting in a lecture? The answer is no, you jolly well do not.

Hats this year have more accessories on them than Claire’s.

Pom-poms, sequins, beads, plaits ... you name it the Blue Peter cupboard probably stocks it and its probably on your hat!

Its perfectly acceptable to wander around the streets with you head looking like it is preparing for a parade but inside do the decent thing and de-hat.

As your mother would said ‘you won’t feel the benefit’ if you leave it on and god forbid you don’t get your money’s worth out of the ear flaps.

Written by Sarah Barns.

Fashion Etiquette.

How to avoid embarrassing yourself and offending others.

The Tale of the 'Groovy' Gift. 

There’s a room full of beady eyes glaring at you as you slowly undo the red ribbon obstructing the face of a sadistically happy Father Christmas.

“Ooh do you like it?” your Gran pipes up from her armchair.

Of course you don’t. You would rather run to the hills naked whilst playing the flute than wear this Tammy Girl ‘Groovy Chick’ top.  

Geez Gran, you’re twenty years of age.

Unfortunately, because at the tender, naïve age of fourteen you wandered around with a t-shirt declaring ‘99% Devil’ (1% Angel on the back. Obvs) each year you get an equally delightful variation on a classic.

You can’t sulk, scream or stamp your feet. You’re a ‘Groovy Chick’ and ‘Groovy Chick’s’ don’t embark in that sort of camaraderie.

Decisions, decisions … what to do? Your best bet is to smile like the Cheshire Cat, whack in a few enthusiastic ‘ooh’s and aah’s’ and pass it round for everyone to look at. Share the wealth it’s Christmas.

Proceed to give Gran a big kiss on the cheek, throw in a ‘you shouldn’t have’ for good ironic measure and keep schtum.

Have your photo taken in it with Gran on Christmas Day for the sweet memories and whack it on eBay on Boxing Day.

Gran’s feelings are protected, your purse is a bit heavier and there is a very happy fourteen year old somewhere.

Groovy. 

Written by Sarah Barns.